Two People

I always go back to the mountains. I can never return from them without wanting to go back. I leave and immediately feel worse. However, sometimes in the mountains, my body is there and yet my mind is in the valley. I feel like I am two people who have been fighting all the time. Two people that are at different elevations. On the mountain, my eyes see glory and magnificence. In the valley, my eyes only see a splinter of light surrounded by darkness. I am terrified of the dark. The rolling thunder terrifies my mind as it brings me back to darkness. I hate to walk around my head, but when I was in the summer, that was all I got to do. I walked around my head and I only saw the broken. I only saw the shattered pieces that I try to hold together in front of everyone else. I see a storm on the horizon like one that I haven't seen in a couple of years. I feel as if this one is more powerful than the last, like a hurricane that no one has ever seen before. I see some light, but it is only a sliver of it. I feel like a shell of a person that I was. I hate that my mind does this because I feel like I need to be strong for the others that are around me. The silence in my head is what scares me most for I know that it is only lurking in the background waiting for its chance to pounce when I am least suspecting. I cannot help but to feel as if I have no hope. I try to cling to Christ, but my faith is so shaken that I do not know if he is really there. I know this is Satan and his work trying to make me fearful, but his tactics are successful. I absolutely hate feeling like this and I want it to stop. I want it all to stop. I want to stop feeling everthing, but I have people who depend on me. I have to keep going for them. I do not want to keep going. I have faked it for so long. I have pinned it behind a wall in my mind for so long, I allowed myself to forget it was even there. I didn't even notice the cracks in the wall before it had eventually failed and opened like a flood gate. I have to continue though. I cannot let this stop me. I have to keep going regardless of how much I feel that I cannot move on.

I see two people; I am two people. One is on the mountain who is thriving and acting in the right way. The other is in the valley with almost no hope of getting up the mountain ever in his life. I cannot see the end, but I want to make the end for myself. I want the shortcut regardless of the pain. I want the end to come. But I have people here who need me. I am two people. I make it to where I am no longer viable in my own eyes, yet I fight for pre-borns' lives. I no longer care for myself but only for those around me and my work. I want to see the good end, but I crave and end no matter what. I am sorry to those I have hurt in the past, but I feel like I cannot move on. It has come to pass that some nights I was totally fine with not waking up in the morning. Part of me thinks that if I leave this life, I can return to a better one, but I cannot work the math in my head to see the end result. I am two people. I hate the splitedness of my mind where I am constantly at war with myself to the point where I do not care which one wins.