Two People

I always go back to the mountains. I can never return from them without wanting to go back. I leave and immediately feel worse. However, sometimes in the mountains, my body is there and yet my mind is in the valley. I feel like I am two people who have been fighting all the time. Two people that are at different elevations. On the mountain, my eyes see glory and magnificence. In the valley, my eyes only see a splinter of light surrounded by darkness. I am terrified of the dark. The rolling thunder terrifies my mind as it brings me back to darkness. I hate to walk around my head, but when I was in the summer, that was all I got to do. I walked around my head and I only saw the broken. I only saw the shattered pieces that I try to hold together in front of everyone else. I see a storm on the horizon like one that I haven't seen in a couple of years. I feel as if this one is more powerful than the last, like a hurricane that no one has ever seen before. I see some light, but it is only a sliver of it. I feel like a shell of a person that I was. I hate that my mind does this because I feel like I need to be strong for the others that are around me. The silence in my head is what scares me most for I know that it is only lurking in the background waiting for its chance to pounce when I am least suspecting. I cannot help but to feel as if I have no hope. I try to cling to Christ, but my faith is so shaken that I do not know if he is really there. I know this is Satan and his work trying to make me fearful, but his tactics are successful. I absolutely hate feeling like this and I want it to stop. I want it all to stop. I want to stop feeling everthing, but I have people who depend on me. I have to keep going for them. I do not want to keep going. I have faked it for so long. I have pinned it behind a wall in my mind for so long, I allowed myself to forget it was even there. I didn't even notice the cracks in the wall before it had eventually failed and opened like a flood gate. I have to continue though. I cannot let this stop me. I have to keep going regardless of how much I feel that I cannot move on.

I see two people; I am two people. One is on the mountain who is thriving and acting in the right way. The other is in the valley with almost no hope of getting up the mountain ever in his life. I cannot see the end, but I want to make the end for myself. I want the shortcut regardless of the pain. I want the end to come. But I have people here who need me. I am two people. I make it to where I am no longer viable in my own eyes, yet I fight for pre-borns' lives. I no longer care for myself but only for those around me and my work. I want to see the good end, but I crave and end no matter what. I am sorry to those I have hurt in the past, but I feel like I cannot move on. It has come to pass that some nights I was totally fine with not waking up in the morning. Part of me thinks that if I leave this life, I can return to a better one, but I cannot work the math in my head to see the end result. I am two people. I hate the splitedness of my mind where I am constantly at war with myself to the point where I do not care which one wins.

Only Jesus?

What now? I am back home from my internship and I return to school on Monday, so what now? As you all will recall, I had a set song for my summer. The main question that I have today is "Is having only Jesus good enough?" I read an article on Facebook the other day that addressed this exact thing. If everything was taken away from us this very moment, would Jesus be enough? Sure, we are to say, "Of course he is enough! He is God and he will sustain us!", but do we really believe that? Yes, some truly do and I envy them for their complete faith. Sometimes I don't think this. I have my questions, but they are not all the way to doubts. I know God will provide for me (I have seen him do time and time again), I know that he loves me though sometimes love is hurtful.

You see, In love, we don't always get what we want, but instead, we get what we need. Sometimes what we need is some tough love. We might not be able to be in a relationship that we want because that would be detrimental to ourselves. We might not be at the job, school, house, etc. that we want to be at, but we are in these places because God knew what we needed when we needed it. Always, through and through, God's love wins. That is all that it is. His love wins out. So, yes, God is all-loving, but what we think of love is skewed from what love is. God is the perfect love and not the skewed version that we have on this earth. It doesn't matter what I feel about who I love or what anyone feels about who they love, but God's love is the ultimate love. We may not be able to control how we feel, but we can turn to God.

My family always ask me if I am going to be in a relationship. I know that God is calling me to singleness for the time being. I know what feelings I have in me, and they are to be in a relationship. However, if I were to go into a relationship now, I would stop my focus on God and turn it to another person. That is not right. My focus needs to be on Christ and not another person and if I need to be single to do that, then let that be so.

Is Jesus enough to be my only thing? In some ways, I believe he completely is. I cannot sit here and type that I believe he is enough for everything for me because I know deep in my heart that I do not believe that quite yet. I still struggle with the concept of Jesus being enough. My family has had to fight for too many things. My grandparents were share-croppers, they helped raise other people's children. My mom had to work multiple jobs through college to make it through, she still works 4 jobs to make it through and to support her kids. My family fights for what we need (and a little of what we want), so how can Jesus be enough when we have to fight? My faith has grown a lot this past couple of years, but that does not mean that I have everything figured out. I still have a lot to learn of God and I hope that as I continue to learn that my faith will grow and that my trust in Him will also grow.

With all this being said, I will leave you all with a bit of challenge. I challenge you all to grow. Grow more in Christ so that when you are asked if Jesus will be enough for you, you can say yes. May God bless you all!

The First 48

I have now been in the States for less than 48 hours. I have talked with friends and family, cooked a really good meal, and have slept wonderfully! I am ecstatic to be back home and to be able to rest and re-acclimate to the American culture. I have been able to finish my video that I have been working on for 10 weeks now. It is up and running and I will be sharing it within the next couple of days. I am now in the mode of writing reports for my supporters, greeting people, and talking to my church about what went on this summer. I am so excited to share my experiences with my small group on Sunday!

I am still in the first 48 hours of being back in the country, but I am so excited to be here and am being very restful! I have experienced culture shock once again, but this time it is a good shock. I have come from a cold-climate culture to a hot-climate culture where I thrive. I have learned a lot from my summer and I will always have these lessons and memories with me! Now on to writing more reports and starting the initial packing for school! Until next time, Y'all!