Two People

I always go back to the mountains. I can never return from them without wanting to go back. I leave and immediately feel worse. However, sometimes in the mountains, my body is there and yet my mind is in the valley. I feel like I am two people who have been fighting all the time. Two people that are at different elevations. On the mountain, my eyes see glory and magnificence. In the valley, my eyes only see a splinter of light surrounded by darkness. I am terrified of the dark. The rolling thunder terrifies my mind as it brings me back to darkness. I hate to walk around my head, but when I was in the summer, that was all I got to do. I walked around my head and I only saw the broken. I only saw the shattered pieces that I try to hold together in front of everyone else. I see a storm on the horizon like one that I haven't seen in a couple of years. I feel as if this one is more powerful than the last, like a hurricane that no one has ever seen before. I see some light, but it is only a sliver of it. I feel like a shell of a person that I was. I hate that my mind does this because I feel like I need to be strong for the others that are around me. The silence in my head is what scares me most for I know that it is only lurking in the background waiting for its chance to pounce when I am least suspecting. I cannot help but to feel as if I have no hope. I try to cling to Christ, but my faith is so shaken that I do not know if he is really there. I know this is Satan and his work trying to make me fearful, but his tactics are successful. I absolutely hate feeling like this and I want it to stop. I want it all to stop. I want to stop feeling everthing, but I have people who depend on me. I have to keep going for them. I do not want to keep going. I have faked it for so long. I have pinned it behind a wall in my mind for so long, I allowed myself to forget it was even there. I didn't even notice the cracks in the wall before it had eventually failed and opened like a flood gate. I have to continue though. I cannot let this stop me. I have to keep going regardless of how much I feel that I cannot move on.

I see two people; I am two people. One is on the mountain who is thriving and acting in the right way. The other is in the valley with almost no hope of getting up the mountain ever in his life. I cannot see the end, but I want to make the end for myself. I want the shortcut regardless of the pain. I want the end to come. But I have people here who need me. I am two people. I make it to where I am no longer viable in my own eyes, yet I fight for pre-borns' lives. I no longer care for myself but only for those around me and my work. I want to see the good end, but I crave and end no matter what. I am sorry to those I have hurt in the past, but I feel like I cannot move on. It has come to pass that some nights I was totally fine with not waking up in the morning. Part of me thinks that if I leave this life, I can return to a better one, but I cannot work the math in my head to see the end result. I am two people. I hate the splitedness of my mind where I am constantly at war with myself to the point where I do not care which one wins.

Only Jesus?

What now? I am back home from my internship and I return to school on Monday, so what now? As you all will recall, I had a set song for my summer. The main question that I have today is "Is having only Jesus good enough?" I read an article on Facebook the other day that addressed this exact thing. If everything was taken away from us this very moment, would Jesus be enough? Sure, we are to say, "Of course he is enough! He is God and he will sustain us!", but do we really believe that? Yes, some truly do and I envy them for their complete faith. Sometimes I don't think this. I have my questions, but they are not all the way to doubts. I know God will provide for me (I have seen him do time and time again), I know that he loves me though sometimes love is hurtful.

You see, In love, we don't always get what we want, but instead, we get what we need. Sometimes what we need is some tough love. We might not be able to be in a relationship that we want because that would be detrimental to ourselves. We might not be at the job, school, house, etc. that we want to be at, but we are in these places because God knew what we needed when we needed it. Always, through and through, God's love wins. That is all that it is. His love wins out. So, yes, God is all-loving, but what we think of love is skewed from what love is. God is the perfect love and not the skewed version that we have on this earth. It doesn't matter what I feel about who I love or what anyone feels about who they love, but God's love is the ultimate love. We may not be able to control how we feel, but we can turn to God.

My family always ask me if I am going to be in a relationship. I know that God is calling me to singleness for the time being. I know what feelings I have in me, and they are to be in a relationship. However, if I were to go into a relationship now, I would stop my focus on God and turn it to another person. That is not right. My focus needs to be on Christ and not another person and if I need to be single to do that, then let that be so.

Is Jesus enough to be my only thing? In some ways, I believe he completely is. I cannot sit here and type that I believe he is enough for everything for me because I know deep in my heart that I do not believe that quite yet. I still struggle with the concept of Jesus being enough. My family has had to fight for too many things. My grandparents were share-croppers, they helped raise other people's children. My mom had to work multiple jobs through college to make it through, she still works 4 jobs to make it through and to support her kids. My family fights for what we need (and a little of what we want), so how can Jesus be enough when we have to fight? My faith has grown a lot this past couple of years, but that does not mean that I have everything figured out. I still have a lot to learn of God and I hope that as I continue to learn that my faith will grow and that my trust in Him will also grow.

With all this being said, I will leave you all with a bit of challenge. I challenge you all to grow. Grow more in Christ so that when you are asked if Jesus will be enough for you, you can say yes. May God bless you all!

The First 48

I have now been in the States for less than 48 hours. I have talked with friends and family, cooked a really good meal, and have slept wonderfully! I am ecstatic to be back home and to be able to rest and re-acclimate to the American culture. I have been able to finish my video that I have been working on for 10 weeks now. It is up and running and I will be sharing it within the next couple of days. I am now in the mode of writing reports for my supporters, greeting people, and talking to my church about what went on this summer. I am so excited to share my experiences with my small group on Sunday!

I am still in the first 48 hours of being back in the country, but I am so excited to be here and am being very restful! I have experienced culture shock once again, but this time it is a good shock. I have come from a cold-climate culture to a hot-climate culture where I thrive. I have learned a lot from my summer and I will always have these lessons and memories with me! Now on to writing more reports and starting the initial packing for school! Until next time, Y'all!

It’s a Me, Acts Project

Well, I have made it to Italy! I’ve been here a couple of days now and have been in the state of relaxation and debrief with the rest of my classmates. We each get the opportunity to share with the rest of the class how our summers went and what God has done in them and in us. So far, we have shared laughs, cries, and cringes as stories have been told. From stories of a Holocaust survivor to Cholera to boat rides and more, we have all shared these experiences and have been there for each other. We only have 2 full days left here and then we leave for the States on Tuesday!! I cannot wait to be home with my family!! This is a short blog for the week, but be assured we are all having a good time and we are all ready to be with our loved ones. So, until I return to the States, God bless! 

One Last Time

This will be the last blog that I write in Switzerland. Only one song comes to mind when I am writing this. From the Broadway musical Hamilton, One Last Time. This song is when Washington tells Hamilton that he is not going to run for a third term as President. Washington says, "We're gonna teach them how to say goodbye, say goodbye, you and I." Well, now it is my turn to learn how to say goodbye to the people that I have worked, lived, learned, laughed, and cried with. This summer has flown by and the opportunities do not cease to come by. This has been an awesome experience this summer. I could not have asked for a better summer. I had a wonderful time experiencing new things and doing them with great people. There were frustrations, talks with God, and growth. I have learned to be silent and to listen more closely to the Spirit. I have tried my hardest to see people as people just like Jesus did. I hope that people saw Jesus in me this summer as it is only he that can save.

I am almost all the way packed and cleaned up; all there is now is to wake up in the morning and get to the bus in time. I am so excited to see all my classmates again! It will be nice to have this transition period with my classmates, professors, and OM. I hope that this week will be productive for all of us. Only 15 hours until I head to Italy to meet them all. Some of my classmates are already on the way from their countries. Pray for safety for all of us as we try to get to Italy.

So, until I write again once in Italy, it's time "to say goodbye, say goodbye, you and I."









Below are some pictures from Geneva and Lauterbrunnen

Cotton Eye Joe

'What a week it has been! This week I had the summer camp in Eglisau and it was a lot of first experiences. I slept in a tent for the week, ate some good swiss-ish food, and was able to be disconnected from technology and more connected with God. I started off on Sunday not knowing what I was doing in the camp. I knew that I was one of the leaders, but I didn't know what my specific job was. On Monday, I was able to find out that the camp needed a photographer. That is what I became for the week. After 370+ photos, I have now documented the week. The theme was the Wild West and was more of a country theme than anything. Majority of the songs that were played on the Bluetooth speakers were country, and me being from the Nashville area, I knew the majority of the songs. Another leader and I were able to teach some of the other leaders and some of the kids the Cotton Eye Joe dance as that was the theme song for when it was time for the Milk Bar.

One of the greatest moments for me was when the kids accepted me as one of them. I spent the first three days as an outsider who the kids (and some leaders) were wary of. I completely understood this and did not blame them as I was wary of them as well. On Wednesday, I was able to break through the barrier of fondness. While helping wash dishes, we all got on the subject of those who sing while they work. One of the kids asked why was that a thing. We talked and talked and it came to the point where we started naming all the places in media and such that we have seen people sing while they work. Naturally, I brought up almost all the Disney Princesses who sing while they work. When I did this, a couple of the kids got excited to talk about Disney and other things like Broadway and such. Later on that afternoon, I was surrounded by kids who were just asking questions like what music I like, what my favorite movie is, etc. I had a wonderful time answering their questions and they seemed to enjoy it as well.

On the last day, the kids wanted to put on a Talent Show, so we let them and they asked some of the leaders to perform in it as well. They asked me if I would do something for it as well. So, I decided to sign a song. I chose to sign "Heathens" by Twenty-One Pilots. I have been working on this song for a couple of years now due to its fast pace and my limited time. Finally, I was able to perform it. When the show was all said and done, the judges tallied up the points and the crowd favorite points and awarded first, second, and third place. I won first place. I went from being the person no one knew to winning the talent show. It was a great time to spend with the kids and to have this experience.

The greatest lesson I had was when God told me to be still and be silent. The entire week was in Swiss-German. I had no clue what was going on, I only knew to take pictures throughout the week. I had no WiFi, so I was out of communication from everyone except for those around me (and yes, a majority of them knew English). I was able to be alone a couple of times when they would go swimming in the Rhine. One of those times, they went up river about 30 minutes and then floated down to the area we normally enter. I decided to stay back and meet them where they would leave the river. During this time, I was able to be at the river and read the Bible and talk with God. He lead me to Isaiah 6. This is the call of Isaiah; the "here am I, send me" passage. I heard God through this passage in a way that I have not heard him before in the same passage. Yes, this is most commonly used as a missions verse, but this time it wasn't about the actual verse, but the context around the verse. Isaiah was crying and bowing and saying how dirty he was before the Lord and how he is not worthy. Then God asks, "Who is here that I can send?" That is when Isaiah, even though he knows of his dirtiness begs God to send him. We should all be like this. We all think that we are too dirty to serve God and yet he still wants us to do his work. Isn't that wonderful? It was good to be away from technology for a while and to be with God in his glorious nature.

Tomorrow, I head to Geneva for my last travel day in Switzerland. I only have just over 2 days until I leave for Italy. So, until tomorrow, y'all have a good Sunday.

Pound by Pound by Pound!

Well, I am officially in my last week and getting towards my last few tasks to do in Switzerland. This past week, I was in the city of Zurich (see previous posts) doing Reach a Tourist. This next week, I will be at a summer camp in the woods near Eglisau. I am so excited about this next week! I cannot believe that my time here is almost done and that I will be in Italy soon. I can't wait to see my friends on the 24th, but I am also sad to leave this place.

Over the Summer, I have had a lot of first experiences. I have now traveled on an airplane by myself, I have traveled in a tram, public bus, and train by myself. By the 22nd, I will have traveled across an entire country by my self. I have jumped in the Rhine River, been in a small boat on said river, and went across Lake Zurich. All of these experiences allowed me to meet some really interesting people and to some of these people, I was able to share the Gospel. I have had the time of my life here!

One of the biggest accomplishments that I have had here is that I have now lost 16 pounds this summer!! This may not seem like a big deal to some people, but to me, this is a lot! I have tried for years to lose this kind of weight, but this time, when I wasn't worried about it and wasn't thinking about it, it came right off! I hope to lose 4 more pounds before I come home, but if not, that is okay! The life here in Switzerland has allowed me to eat healthier and to walk more. The vegetables are cheaper, the meat is higher and slightly leaner. I have been happier in the way that I am losing the weight and able to keep it off. I am definitely bringing this back home with me and back to college with me! I have a lot to show for this summer, but this is special to me.

As I begin to pack for the camping trip next week, I can't help but to think back and reflect on my summer internship. I have had a blast here and that will continue with this week and then Geneva and then Italy!

Starting tomorrow, I will be off the grid. So, no blog posts for the entire week. I will try to do one on Saturday night, but most likely it will be Sunday before I write again! So until then, thank you all for the prayers and support! May God bless you all!